Friday, September 22, 2017

Vision Seeker: Shadow and Healing (Day 4)

Wednesday's reading left me feeling rather deflated, and I believe that my own perception and defeatism clouded my interpretation of day 3. Though a topic for another day, there are times as a tarot reader when you are mentally 'clogged' and clear readings (especially for yourself) are blocked. I feel that Wednesday was one of those days. Last night when I conducted my day 4 reading, I was in a much better place and able to be gentle with myself. Particularly after receiving some great news and receiving my very own copy of Mildred Payne's Secret Pocket Oracle. I'm looking forward to working with it, and you can look forward to it being used in next week's weekly!

Yesterday's activity was a period of reflection and a reading. For reflection, I was to examine a place of great pain, specifically the pain which given the opportunity, I would heal immediately. My mind shot around to several major pains. I've got a lot of them, but what I finally settled on was a physical ailment, for which I scolded myself just the other day. However, when I reflected on this particular problem, I realized my fixation with it was symbolic of a much larger problem, so I accepted it as the thing, if healed, would bring me the most comfort.

Energy beneath my shadow: Two of Wands - The physical ailment I chose, which brings me great pain, was my hair. It never came back the way it should. My eyebrows are thin and non-existent without the help of a brow pencil, I may as well have none. The hair on my head is flat and stringy. Oh how vain of me, I know. But what I had before was the inverse of my current situation. It's also highly visible, and I fear judgement.

The two of wands depicts a woman, hair scarved, with her guardian lion (lusciously maned) watching over the horizon. They are preparing for some threat, and protecting what lay behind them. For me, my hair was my power much as it was to Samson. It was a trait I took comfort in, and cared for, and loved. To a certain extent, it defined me. Now it is gone. I feel stripped and exposed to the harsh world. 

What would bring light to my shadow: Ten of Wands (reversed) - Typically a card of overburden, reversed indicates I may have been avoiding burdens. I have not been as active. Part of my barrier to going out into the world, being active, even looking at people directly, is shame that they will notice my penciled brows and exposed scalp. When I work out, sweat makes my hair stringier. I've been slowing letting go of this self-consciousness. Engaging in more physical activity may even be leading to my hair growing a small undercoat, the fuzzies beginning to show gradually. But if I were to stop judging myself, and allowing this to be such a burden to myself, I would be much happier. I have no reason to feel shame, and I should know no decent person would make me feel that shame over something I have no control over the outcome of or the pace at which it remedies itself.

Energy to support healing: Temperance - Water and fire, dragon and phoenix, swirl about each other on this card forming a bond of yin and yang. I've allowed water too much sway over my energy, dampening the fire that makes me who I am. Interestingly, at an early part of my healing process I purchased a deep-red betta which I named Phoenix. I feel as though symbolically this lack of balance between water and fire has been cropping up throughout my life. Even the cards leading to this one are representative of fire. It has been difficult to light a fire in a dampened soul, but eventually the flame will take. 

On a more physical level, and literal sense, persevering in physical activity, things which pump the blood and warm the body, would potentially help increase hair growth!

Actions I can take: 5 of Pentacles - Deep and meaningful, soulful work. The 5 of pentacles here is a poverty of soul. The body and soul have suffered an extreme disconnect, and the action this card calls me to take is the healing and merging of body and soul into a fully realized individual. I can do this by continuing to care for myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. They say when you suffer great trauma, a piece of yourself breaks off and hides far away from all the pain. Sometimes that piece comes back, sometimes it remains lost forever. I feel for that piece of me to come back, it has to have a welcoming place to return to. In order for this to happen, I need to care for the temple in which it should reside.

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